The Losing Battle
by Ambrel
Summary: Seeing the person I care about with someone else… someone who I care about just as much, if in a brotherly manner… well, it hurts. **Companion to 'Breathe'**


WARNING: This is a companion piece to another of my fics, 'Breath'. It will make a whole lot more sense if you read that first. For those who want the short of it, Breathe was a Finn/Piper fic that had a bit of a bittersweet element: Aerrow's unvoiced feelings for Piper. This fic is from Aerrow's POV.

OOO

Okay, I'll admit it. It's still hard.

I'm glad for those two. How could I not be? I don't think I have ever seen Piper so happy, even though she really keeps it all under wraps much of the time. And Finn? Well, he's still Finn. And he still manages to get on Piper's nerves as much as he ever used to. Its not an uncommon occurrence around the ship to hear the sound of Finn fleeing whatever stream of rants that Piper was throwing at him at any particular moment. They behaved as they always had. Any outsider would swear that the two acted like siblings. But every now and then Piper and Finn disappear for a half hour here, maybe a couple hours there. Nothing too major, I guess.. but I still noticed.

Its expected, right? I mean, they are…well.. you know…

Even Junko and Stork tended to forget what had really happened those few short months ago. When its not constantly shoved in your face, I guess its easy to forget. Things went back to the way they were pretty quick for everyone, all around.

Well, except for me. But I put up a good front, I guess. No one really sees how much the whole ordeal affected me.

Except Finn, maybe.

I think that one of the reasons they aren't too overt about their relationship is because of me. For the first few weeks, Piper would try to hold his hand in front of everyone, or embrace him, or some other things that normal couples do. Harmless things, really. Every time she tried, Finn would move away with an awkward air. He always seemed uncomfortable whenever Piper tried to show overt affection. I saw a couple glances he threw my way. He looked strangely guilty, though really… there's nothing to be guilty about, is there?

Its not like he stole anything from me, is it?

Eventually, I suppose Piper contented herself with moments stolen here and there outside the view of the rest of us.

In any case, they have done an admirable job of keeping their relationship out of the way of the mission. I have to say, I am really surprised at Finn's ability. Its not something that you'd expect from him. The restraint, I mean. But then again, in the past months, he has been surprising all of us. After that mind moss thing, he grew up some. Not like he's completely out of his annoying phase, but he usually thinks a little more before he makes his moves now.

And he's still my wingman. That hasn't changed either. He still treats me like he always did, and maybe that's why I'm holding up as well as I am. I mean, I could probably only take one heart pain at a time. Seeing the person I care about with someone else… someone who I care about just as much, if in a brotherly manner…well, it hurts. It hurts like a raw ache deep in my gut. The fact that it could very well have been me in his shoes…that thought keeps me up some nights. The nights when I accidentally catch them exchanging a soft smile or a loving glance...

When I see that, it makes me feel like an eavesdropper or an intruder. Like I am witnessing something that is only meant for two people. A private thing. A moment shared in the midst of a busy day on a small ship where personal time is at a premium. It makes me feel like I am trespassing on someone else's territory.

Essentially, isn't that what it is?

And whenever I get like this, I usually come out to the runway. I sit there in the spot where Finn surprised me with his intuition. It feels like it was so long ago, but I can still remember the moment well. I relive that moment at least once a week, because it is at least once a week that I find myself coming out here to salve my aching feelings.

_Finn looked up at me with an inscrutable expression on his face. He had just gotten done with some flippant comment about what had happened with Piper when he suddenly got quiet. Then words I never expected to hear from him came across in a low tone, but they were audible all the same._

"_I'm sorry, Aerrow. I bet you think you hide it well, but I can tell. You like Piper. You like her a lot. And I bet I'm the only one who really picked up on it."_

_I couldn't speak for a minute. Was it that obvious? Finn, of all people, knew? What about the others? Did Piper guess? Would he tell? He wouldn't do that to me! To the team!_

_...did I want him to tell her? No-yes! But no.. I couldn't. _

_So I asked him to keep it to himself. If no one else knew then no one else would feel awkward if things went the way that it looked like they were going to go._

_He didn't seem too happy with my request to keep quiet on the subject of my feelings, but he agreed anyway._

Sometimes I wonder… maybe if I had let him tell Piper, it would have been different. Maybe somewhere… like that unknown seed of emotion that she had for Finn… maybe she harbored feelings in there for me too. Could I have had a chance? Could she have looked at me with that same gentle smile that she now turned on the blonde sniper?

Could I have lived with myself if I came between them at that moment in time?

They shared something during those strange three days. Something that I might never really understand. The experience must have been horrible, but at the same time, exhilarating. By the final day, they had both been through such a mental and emotional rollercoaster that maybe all they had left to cling to was each other.

Finn supported Piper. He watched out for her when she was incapable of doing it herself.

What right did I have to try to come between that? What had I ever done for her that could ever hope to match that loyalty?

You know, this moping isn't really like me. I know it isn't. And I know it is a bad characteristic for a leader. I know the guys have started noticing my random absences. And I know that one day, I will be over this. This emotional wound will be nothing but a bittersweet scar, a simple crossroads in the road of my lifetime. I'm young, right?

Broken hearts don't last forever. At least, that's what the sensible side of me says. The part of me that feels the pain doesn't believe that, though.

I had cared for Piper for… years. I always thought that I could find the right time to broach the subject… but I always ended up talking myself out of it. I was afraid of things changing. I didn't want to lose her as a friend, a navigator, or a teammate, and if I fumbled up and made it too uncomfortable.. she could leave at any time.

So I waited. I bided my time. I told myself that it was always better to have her here, close to me but unknowing of my true self, than to see her leave in embarrassment or distaste. I guess its true what they say about unrequited feelings. Its better to have no answer at all rather than an answer of no..

I never got the courage to tell her… and strangely enough, I think that things might have taken a far different turn if I had.

For the better? Maybe. Would I be having this internal battle with myself if I had simple grown some courage and told her?

Maybe. Maybe not. There was no way to know.

But I am a leader of the Storm Hawks. And I have learned to recognize a losing fight when I see one, even when I rarely enter a fight I cant win.

I am fighting a losing battle with my own mind. The litany of 'what if' will surely send me insane. I need to figure out how to wall this up and lock it tight.

I need to figure out how to retreat.

I have to find it in me… to accept that I failed.

That I lost.

But I don't know if I can.

OOO

Well, that was strange. I didn't actually mean for it to go that way. I meant for there to be interaction between Aerrow and Finn, and possible Piper, but they never decided to pop in during Aerrow's internal monologue.

Anyhow, thank you for reading. I'm sorry if this isn't as concise as my other fics, but I just started rambling about a quarter of the way through with no goal in mind, and it shows. Please leave a review! I welcome criticism and gratification alike!


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